Well, well, well....what do we have here.

I put far more effort into avoiding work than I do actually working. It amazes me that I will expend so much planning and energy into calculating the least amount of effort I can put forth and get the most out of it. This is how I know I'm a true capitalist. I know that if an economist were to follow me around for a few days (or better yet, a semester; then he or she could really get a feel for the ebb and flow of my market gains and losses) they would learn enough to get our nation back in the black. I'm not sure who said it - Bill Gates, I think - and going with the theme of this post, I'm too lazy to Google it, but someone famous once said to give a hard job to a lazy person, he'll find an easy way to do it.

That. Is. So true.

I will expend enormous amounts of time and energy on calculations- "how many times can I hit 'snooze'? Do I really need to shower? How many pairs of underwear until I'm out and simply MUST do laundry? If I make my punctuation marks one size bigger, and adjust the spacing after a period, I can stretch this to a whole extra half a page!"...when I really think about it, it seems exhausting.

I always get to this point in the semester. I woefully look backwards and think- "If I would have started outlining and reading supplements in October, this week would be a breeze." But no, in October I was agonizing over what I would be for Halloween and whether they were going to add another season of Pretty Little Liars to Netflix.

Priorities. I have them.

This all eventually leads me down a rabbit hole of despair; I start thinking about all of the trips I haven't taken, the friends I haven't had coffee with, the deep cleaning that needs to be done, and how I stopped working out in September. It all starts to engulf me and I feel like I'm wearing a really heavy, wet wool sweater. An ugly one, at that.

I don't know why I do this. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe I get a rush by 'winging it' and hoping that yet again, I'll get pretty high marks and think to myself "Muahahaha. I didn't even WORK for these!" But still. If I DID work...if I WERE to put in the effort that I should be- not even the effort that I COULD be putting in- what would I be capable of?? The thought kind of scares me.

I could sit here and BS a resolution, "I'm never procrastinating again. Next semester, I'm designing a study plan and I'm going to study every day for 8 hours...." No. That's not going to happen. But I'm seriously at a crossroads with myself. I'm realizing that I'm my own worst enemy. I have kept myself from countless opportunities only because I didn't feel like working for them. I mean, what is that? Next semester, I am going to try harder. I'm going to create structure for myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for the stuff I haven't done, but I'm going to applaud myself for the stuff I have. I'm going to say 'no' more- no, I can't help you with your test, I have my own to study for. No, I'm not buying that wine tonight. I have 125 pages of reading. No, I will NOT watch 'just one more episode' of whatever on Netflix tonight. Mostly, my problem is telling myself no, but if someone I care about needs help or attention, I'm not going to turn them down.

Basically, I need to teach myself willpower. I need to be strict with myself and create an actual, structured study plan. I need to work out more and drink less wine. Basically, I need to grow up.

That was really hard to write. It's really hard to face yourself and admit that you're 25 and it's time. You look around at other young professionals owning houses, getting married, losing weight, learning new languages and you realize that they've started to do something that you just refuse to get on the bandwagon for- growing up. But it's time. It's time that I start accepting myself for who I am and loving myself for it. It's time I start planning for the future- physically, emotionally, and mentally. I need to start laying a professional groundwork for the future. I need a freaking savings account.

But I think I'm ready. I'm done creating hell for myself and then feeling sorry for myself when that hell sucks. I'm done beating myself up and hating myself for things that I could easily change. I'm done casting blame on myself and others. And finally, I'm done holding myself back. I won't change overnight, I can't. But I'm sure as hell ready to get started.

I like knowing I have public anonymity

I wish I could run away and write.
                                             I wish I could find a cute cottage next to a beach that I could put a big barnwood desk in, right by the front window, facing the ocean.

         I would put frothy white curtains at the window, and I would light sandalwood incense at night.

 I could focus on  my thoughts; I would paint pictures with words and my sentences would be so poignant, their literary lattice work would curl around the smoke emanating from my incense sticks.

                            It's not about being on vacation or escaping having to work and be part of the real world. It's about wanting to be part of my own universe- apart from this twisted world we live in.