Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not sure if this is any good....

I haven't written in forever, and I just started again a few months ago. I don't really share them with people. There's probably a reason for that.

This one is unfinished....

"Almost, But Not at All"

When you start looking
Pass me over
Your love would be wasted
And your wounds will remain unhealed

I'm the land mine
In your field of opportunities
Lying in wait
For your heart to fall into me

Others have been here
They've created this monster
Carved from the stones of insecurities
And breathed into life by fear

You may imagine
That you can change me
But no one can succeed
Though many have tried

I am the animal
Stalking my prey
Waiting for you to become weakened
So my kill will be that much easier

Understand my pleas
And see that it's what's best
I know what I'm capable of

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm a Sucker For His Charm....

I've never, to this day, met anyone I can honestly say that about. I'm not sure if it's my own complete lack of allure or that in this century the possibility of meeting someone with any type of charm or charisma is almost null and void, but it would be so reminiscent of an older era to surround myself with that type of person. However, when one discusses charm, it's always in a 'HE has charm' type of sense. This is true in historical context as well. When you think of charming men in history you think of Cassonova, Romeo, Henry VIII (hey, he had to be charming to keep getting women even after he banished/killed the ones before them, charming or the women of the time were insanely stupid, which I highly doubt because they found ways to survive child birth in a world where eating rotten beef was a common place occurrence). But when one tries to think of women in a charming sense, you think of people such as Jezebel, Delilah, Ann Boleyn- women that beguiled and fooled men into falling into their traps. Women who were eventually punished for their indecencies and for fooling poor, unsuspecting men into doing their bidding and therefore tainting the pure of heart. Typical. Men are "charming" and women get labeled "Jezebels" "Flirts" or "Bimbos". To quote one of my favorite movies, "I'm really starting to understand this puritanical ostracism that Hawthorne was talking about...."

My friend Jennifer told me she found me 'charming'- I believe that's kind-speak for 'you're crazy, but entertaining'. And hey, that works. Labels don't concern me anymore. After spending years agonizing over what people would label me and trying to cultivate the right label for myself, I'm too tired to do so. I would look in the mirror on a daily basis and ask myself 'does this fit the label I've given myself?'.(Which, by the way, I feel as if as much as we as a society complain about the labels given to us by others, we spend a great deal of time putting Hi My Label Is ________ stickers on ourselves. Maybe next time we complain we should look inward instead of pointing our metaphorical accusations at the general populace). I know who I am. I don't need a glittery bow and a lip ring to show that I'm not like any other girl you've ever met. This took me quite some time to realize but once I did it was like a huge weight off of my shoulders. I've had this constant dichotomy inside me of who I really am and who I was portraying myself to be. (Not that I don't like glittery bows- who doesn't??? I just don't feel like I'll lose anyone in my life if I weren't to pin them in my hair).

This cursor on this page is quite friendly, encouraging even. As I'm attempting to write a paper it becomes more and more evil and insistent. It's like my mother waiting for me to get ready for church. I feel its theoretical eyes boring holes into my face, just daring me to attempt to type a paragraph that it will in turn force me to delete because of its sub-par use of information. It's like it knows that I'm ill-prepared for this debate and that I can barely focus on my tasks at hand given the litany of other things clouding my already foggy mind. I should probably confront it, maybe invite it to therapy to work on our struggling relationship. The cursor (whose gender is undecided at press time) will talk about how I don't push myself hard enough and that it's tired of waiting around for me, while I'll counter with that I need to do things at my own pace and it should respect my work and create a more work-friendly environment. It will in turn tell me it knows I'm cheating on it with the Facebook and blogger.com cursors, to which I'll say that I'm not cheating, I just enjoy spending time with them more than it).

(Which we all think is NOT cheating...right?? RIGHT?? Ok, maybe not all of us. Actually, only a few of us, and most of those are my ex boyfriends).

Well. Upon the therapist's suggestions, I need to go spend time with my cursor, it's feeling neglected.

You know you love me XD