Would anyone notice my absence? I mean, really? Outside of being spared my constant and unpredictable mood swings- each one worse than the last, my hyper-critical nature stemming from long-standing OCD which used to make me scrub my skin until it bled, and my childish abandonment issues there's really no other qualities of mine that stick out.
This isn't chemical.
Maybe it is.
But that doesn't mean it's not "real" and that these emotions don't have some solid, inherent basis.
Sometimes I find myself thinking about death, what it feels like. Maybe it's like warm, thick velvet, enveloping you until you can no longer breathe. It wraps you up like a soft, unventilated cocoon; then you're reborn in this new place where you feel beautiful and necessary.
Or maybe it's like an enormous bucket filling the room you're in with turpentine. The unavoidable sticky, sickly-smelling blackness swells upward and you're struggling to escape it. Until you just finally accept it.
They say that animals (and humans) are frantic until they've resigned themselves to death. When they realize they're going to die, they grow calm. They stop fighting. Maybe they get this faraway look in their eyes, showing that they've already made the choice to float away before the final, fatal blow has been delivered.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Well, well, well....what do we have here.
I put far more effort into avoiding work than I do actually working. It amazes me that I will expend so much planning and energy into calculating the least amount of effort I can put forth and get the most out of it. This is how I know I'm a true capitalist. I know that if an economist were to follow me around for a few days (or better yet, a semester; then he or she could really get a feel for the ebb and flow of my market gains and losses) they would learn enough to get our nation back in the black. I'm not sure who said it - Bill Gates, I think - and going with the theme of this post, I'm too lazy to Google it, but someone famous once said to give a hard job to a lazy person, he'll find an easy way to do it.
That. Is. So true.
I will expend enormous amounts of time and energy on calculations- "how many times can I hit 'snooze'? Do I really need to shower? How many pairs of underwear until I'm out and simply MUST do laundry? If I make my punctuation marks one size bigger, and adjust the spacing after a period, I can stretch this to a whole extra half a page!"...when I really think about it, it seems exhausting.
I always get to this point in the semester. I woefully look backwards and think- "If I would have started outlining and reading supplements in October, this week would be a breeze." But no, in October I was agonizing over what I would be for Halloween and whether they were going to add another season of Pretty Little Liars to Netflix.
Priorities. I have them.
This all eventually leads me down a rabbit hole of despair; I start thinking about all of the trips I haven't taken, the friends I haven't had coffee with, the deep cleaning that needs to be done, and how I stopped working out in September. It all starts to engulf me and I feel like I'm wearing a really heavy, wet wool sweater. An ugly one, at that.
I don't know why I do this. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe I get a rush by 'winging it' and hoping that yet again, I'll get pretty high marks and think to myself "Muahahaha. I didn't even WORK for these!" But still. If I DID work...if I WERE to put in the effort that I should be- not even the effort that I COULD be putting in- what would I be capable of?? The thought kind of scares me.
I could sit here and BS a resolution, "I'm never procrastinating again. Next semester, I'm designing a study plan and I'm going to study every day for 8 hours...." No. That's not going to happen. But I'm seriously at a crossroads with myself. I'm realizing that I'm my own worst enemy. I have kept myself from countless opportunities only because I didn't feel like working for them. I mean, what is that? Next semester, I am going to try harder. I'm going to create structure for myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for the stuff I haven't done, but I'm going to applaud myself for the stuff I have. I'm going to say 'no' more- no, I can't help you with your test, I have my own to study for. No, I'm not buying that wine tonight. I have 125 pages of reading. No, I will NOT watch 'just one more episode' of whatever on Netflix tonight. Mostly, my problem is telling myself no, but if someone I care about needs help or attention, I'm not going to turn them down.
Basically, I need to teach myself willpower. I need to be strict with myself and create an actual, structured study plan. I need to work out more and drink less wine. Basically, I need to grow up.
That was really hard to write. It's really hard to face yourself and admit that you're 25 and it's time. You look around at other young professionals owning houses, getting married, losing weight, learning new languages and you realize that they've started to do something that you just refuse to get on the bandwagon for- growing up. But it's time. It's time that I start accepting myself for who I am and loving myself for it. It's time I start planning for the future- physically, emotionally, and mentally. I need to start laying a professional groundwork for the future. I need a freaking savings account.
But I think I'm ready. I'm done creating hell for myself and then feeling sorry for myself when that hell sucks. I'm done beating myself up and hating myself for things that I could easily change. I'm done casting blame on myself and others. And finally, I'm done holding myself back. I won't change overnight, I can't. But I'm sure as hell ready to get started.
That. Is. So true.
I will expend enormous amounts of time and energy on calculations- "how many times can I hit 'snooze'? Do I really need to shower? How many pairs of underwear until I'm out and simply MUST do laundry? If I make my punctuation marks one size bigger, and adjust the spacing after a period, I can stretch this to a whole extra half a page!"...when I really think about it, it seems exhausting.
I always get to this point in the semester. I woefully look backwards and think- "If I would have started outlining and reading supplements in October, this week would be a breeze." But no, in October I was agonizing over what I would be for Halloween and whether they were going to add another season of Pretty Little Liars to Netflix.
Priorities. I have them.
This all eventually leads me down a rabbit hole of despair; I start thinking about all of the trips I haven't taken, the friends I haven't had coffee with, the deep cleaning that needs to be done, and how I stopped working out in September. It all starts to engulf me and I feel like I'm wearing a really heavy, wet wool sweater. An ugly one, at that.
I don't know why I do this. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe I get a rush by 'winging it' and hoping that yet again, I'll get pretty high marks and think to myself "Muahahaha. I didn't even WORK for these!" But still. If I DID work...if I WERE to put in the effort that I should be- not even the effort that I COULD be putting in- what would I be capable of?? The thought kind of scares me.
I could sit here and BS a resolution, "I'm never procrastinating again. Next semester, I'm designing a study plan and I'm going to study every day for 8 hours...." No. That's not going to happen. But I'm seriously at a crossroads with myself. I'm realizing that I'm my own worst enemy. I have kept myself from countless opportunities only because I didn't feel like working for them. I mean, what is that? Next semester, I am going to try harder. I'm going to create structure for myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for the stuff I haven't done, but I'm going to applaud myself for the stuff I have. I'm going to say 'no' more- no, I can't help you with your test, I have my own to study for. No, I'm not buying that wine tonight. I have 125 pages of reading. No, I will NOT watch 'just one more episode' of whatever on Netflix tonight. Mostly, my problem is telling myself no, but if someone I care about needs help or attention, I'm not going to turn them down.
Basically, I need to teach myself willpower. I need to be strict with myself and create an actual, structured study plan. I need to work out more and drink less wine. Basically, I need to grow up.
That was really hard to write. It's really hard to face yourself and admit that you're 25 and it's time. You look around at other young professionals owning houses, getting married, losing weight, learning new languages and you realize that they've started to do something that you just refuse to get on the bandwagon for- growing up. But it's time. It's time that I start accepting myself for who I am and loving myself for it. It's time I start planning for the future- physically, emotionally, and mentally. I need to start laying a professional groundwork for the future. I need a freaking savings account.
But I think I'm ready. I'm done creating hell for myself and then feeling sorry for myself when that hell sucks. I'm done beating myself up and hating myself for things that I could easily change. I'm done casting blame on myself and others. And finally, I'm done holding myself back. I won't change overnight, I can't. But I'm sure as hell ready to get started.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
I like knowing I have public anonymity
I wish I could run away and write.
I wish I could find a cute cottage next to a beach that I could put a big barnwood desk in, right by the front window, facing the ocean.
I would put frothy white curtains at the window, and I would light sandalwood incense at night.
I could focus on my thoughts; I would paint pictures with words and my sentences would be so poignant, their literary lattice work would curl around the smoke emanating from my incense sticks.
It's not about being on vacation or escaping having to work and be part of the real world. It's about wanting to be part of my own universe- apart from this twisted world we live in.
I wish I could find a cute cottage next to a beach that I could put a big barnwood desk in, right by the front window, facing the ocean.
I would put frothy white curtains at the window, and I would light sandalwood incense at night.
I could focus on my thoughts; I would paint pictures with words and my sentences would be so poignant, their literary lattice work would curl around the smoke emanating from my incense sticks.
It's not about being on vacation or escaping having to work and be part of the real world. It's about wanting to be part of my own universe- apart from this twisted world we live in.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Maybe It's Best You Leave Me Alone
Melancholy music. That's the type of mood I'm in. Melancholy music and 2:30 am don't mix well. This is where overdoses and random property damage are born.
This Monday a friend of mine from high school passed away. After wallowing in misery for a week, completely focused on how horrible of a week it was for ME, I'm starting to realize my own self-centeredness (is that a word?). The problem is, the little five-year-old egoist is clinging to my heart and brain, unyielding in its control. I WANT to learn a lesson from this, but I can't pull myself from the mire that is self-pity.
I need one of those slaps.
You know the ones. They're in movies and shows, one semi-major character is having a freak out about something arbitrary- a test, money problems, a pregnancy scare (okay, I haven't seen that one, yet, but it made for a good progression) and the other character, usually one of the main, beloved ones hauls off and SLAPS THE CRAP OUT OF THE OTHER.
And no one gets mad. The slapee holds their cheek, looks offended for a moment, and then realizes 'Hey, I NEEDED that!' and the other character comically over-shrugs and they calm down and get down to the business of figuring out how to move forward. I need that. I keep saying 'My life is falling apart. My life is falling APART. MY life is FALLING apart.' and all other variations of emphasis. I feel like I'm on a runaway train heading for a broken trestle (for those of you that don't know or didn't read Water For Elephants that's a bridge over a ravine of sorts).
Thus, I am forced to make a list.
I'm employed.
I have a car.
I have a home.
I have a phone.
I'm getting a degree in a matter of days.
I'm heading to law school in a matter of weeks.
I'm finally having a successful love life.
I have the best group of friends anyone could ever ask for.
I have a family. And while I'm the Black Sheep, they still care.
And best of all? I have a LOT of fun. A lot.
For the first time in my life, I'm pretty much happy or content with every aspect of it. So why is it when I think of the future I can't breathe and I get tunnel vision? Am I that terrified of the unknown? I mean, I've always hated surprises and lacking control, and don't get me started on how much I despise change. As I focus in on each little thing, I have countless blessings in my life. I'm grateful for these, but I'm still confused as to why when I look to the big picture everything gets all fuzzy and impossible. Blerrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I feel better.
See, I would attempt the 'Pull yourself together!' slap, but I'm hesitant for many reasons.
1) I don't the pain that goes with the slap, regardless of who gave it to me
2) The lack of surprise would greatly reduce the effectiveness of the slap, I daresay it would render it pointless
3) Crazy people hit themselves. I'm not crazy, I'm eccentric. There's a difference. I swear.
I digress.
I'm currently having a territory war with a gnat. I do believe this is where I cross over from eccentric to crazy. As we cross into 3 am, I'm debating just staying up all night, though I think that would prove to be disastrous.
Yeah...I think it's time to turn in. I just downloaded an entire Otis Redding anthology with some Monkees and Garth Brooks. I'm totes going for a country drive tomorrow. Warm, sunny, windows down, soda in hand with Otis Redding's raspy, magical voice floating out of my cute little jalopy's speakers. That sounds perfect.
Cheers.
This Monday a friend of mine from high school passed away. After wallowing in misery for a week, completely focused on how horrible of a week it was for ME, I'm starting to realize my own self-centeredness (is that a word?). The problem is, the little five-year-old egoist is clinging to my heart and brain, unyielding in its control. I WANT to learn a lesson from this, but I can't pull myself from the mire that is self-pity.
I need one of those slaps.
You know the ones. They're in movies and shows, one semi-major character is having a freak out about something arbitrary- a test, money problems, a pregnancy scare (okay, I haven't seen that one, yet, but it made for a good progression) and the other character, usually one of the main, beloved ones hauls off and SLAPS THE CRAP OUT OF THE OTHER.
And no one gets mad. The slapee holds their cheek, looks offended for a moment, and then realizes 'Hey, I NEEDED that!' and the other character comically over-shrugs and they calm down and get down to the business of figuring out how to move forward. I need that. I keep saying 'My life is falling apart. My life is falling APART. MY life is FALLING apart.' and all other variations of emphasis. I feel like I'm on a runaway train heading for a broken trestle (for those of you that don't know or didn't read Water For Elephants that's a bridge over a ravine of sorts).
Thus, I am forced to make a list.
I'm employed.
I have a car.
I have a home.
I have a phone.
I'm getting a degree in a matter of days.
I'm heading to law school in a matter of weeks.
I'm finally having a successful love life.
I have the best group of friends anyone could ever ask for.
I have a family. And while I'm the Black Sheep, they still care.
And best of all? I have a LOT of fun. A lot.
For the first time in my life, I'm pretty much happy or content with every aspect of it. So why is it when I think of the future I can't breathe and I get tunnel vision? Am I that terrified of the unknown? I mean, I've always hated surprises and lacking control, and don't get me started on how much I despise change. As I focus in on each little thing, I have countless blessings in my life. I'm grateful for these, but I'm still confused as to why when I look to the big picture everything gets all fuzzy and impossible. Blerrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I feel better.
See, I would attempt the 'Pull yourself together!' slap, but I'm hesitant for many reasons.
1) I don't the pain that goes with the slap, regardless of who gave it to me
2) The lack of surprise would greatly reduce the effectiveness of the slap, I daresay it would render it pointless
3) Crazy people hit themselves. I'm not crazy, I'm eccentric. There's a difference. I swear.
I digress.
I'm currently having a territory war with a gnat. I do believe this is where I cross over from eccentric to crazy. As we cross into 3 am, I'm debating just staying up all night, though I think that would prove to be disastrous.
Yeah...I think it's time to turn in. I just downloaded an entire Otis Redding anthology with some Monkees and Garth Brooks. I'm totes going for a country drive tomorrow. Warm, sunny, windows down, soda in hand with Otis Redding's raspy, magical voice floating out of my cute little jalopy's speakers. That sounds perfect.
Cheers.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
An Update of Sorts...
Well, as these things go, I am not graduating in December of this year as previously thought. I had a very wise professor explain to me that law schools do not begin until September; if I were to wait and not go to school within those few months I would be unable to defer my loans for that period of time.
Oh. Well then.
Somehow I doubt I could have afforded paying those back on minimum wage. Alas. It's ok, though. I'm taking it slowly and pacing my classes so I don't get too overwhelmed. Plus, as long as I'm a student I can work at the NPR station on campus, and I kinda like this gig.
Harumph. Yes, I said harumph. I feel like you don't have to be an octogenarian male to be able to pull it off. In other news, I'm in a cantankerous mood and it's boiling in this production room. I feel a little bit like a lab rat under heat lamps. It's a matter of time before they start rewarding me with cheese for pressing differently-colored buttons.
First Thought: ADD really helps with the whole 'blogging' thing. Keeps a nice, jumpy pace. Who likes flow? Not this girl!
Second Thought: Bronchitis sucks. I feel like it's not fair for a sickness to last two to three weeks (according to WebMD).
Third Thought: Standardized tests. Uber blah.(Dingdingding we have a topic for me to rant about!)
Next time :)
Oh. Well then.
Somehow I doubt I could have afforded paying those back on minimum wage. Alas. It's ok, though. I'm taking it slowly and pacing my classes so I don't get too overwhelmed. Plus, as long as I'm a student I can work at the NPR station on campus, and I kinda like this gig.
Harumph. Yes, I said harumph. I feel like you don't have to be an octogenarian male to be able to pull it off. In other news, I'm in a cantankerous mood and it's boiling in this production room. I feel a little bit like a lab rat under heat lamps. It's a matter of time before they start rewarding me with cheese for pressing differently-colored buttons.
First Thought: ADD really helps with the whole 'blogging' thing. Keeps a nice, jumpy pace. Who likes flow? Not this girl!
Second Thought: Bronchitis sucks. I feel like it's not fair for a sickness to last two to three weeks (according to WebMD).
Third Thought: Standardized tests. Uber blah.(Dingdingding we have a topic for me to rant about!)
Next time :)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Not sure if this is any good....
I haven't written in forever, and I just started again a few months ago. I don't really share them with people. There's probably a reason for that.
This one is unfinished....
"Almost, But Not at All"
When you start looking
Pass me over
Your love would be wasted
And your wounds will remain unhealed
I'm the land mine
In your field of opportunities
Lying in wait
For your heart to fall into me
Others have been here
They've created this monster
Carved from the stones of insecurities
And breathed into life by fear
You may imagine
That you can change me
But no one can succeed
Though many have tried
I am the animal
Stalking my prey
Waiting for you to become weakened
So my kill will be that much easier
Understand my pleas
And see that it's what's best
I know what I'm capable of
This one is unfinished....
"Almost, But Not at All"
When you start looking
Pass me over
Your love would be wasted
And your wounds will remain unhealed
I'm the land mine
In your field of opportunities
Lying in wait
For your heart to fall into me
Others have been here
They've created this monster
Carved from the stones of insecurities
And breathed into life by fear
You may imagine
That you can change me
But no one can succeed
Though many have tried
I am the animal
Stalking my prey
Waiting for you to become weakened
So my kill will be that much easier
Understand my pleas
And see that it's what's best
I know what I'm capable of
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